How many times have you inadvertently started a big fight just by asking a little question?
It’s a natural part of healthy, fulfilling, progressing relationships.
In fact, topics ranging from serious to mundane are often approached by asking questions.
“Are we exclusive?”
“Women are ubiquitously taught about marriage, family, happily ever after,” explainsDr.
Anjhula Mya Singh Bais.
So while the question must be asked, anything about exclusivity could easily create a fear in a man.
Dr. Bais believes approaching this topic can in fact be done, carefully and productively.
She explains that if you ask something like “What are we?”
with grounded confidence and assurance, the question feels less negative and needy, but instead constructive and positive.
“Again, it’s a vibe.”
This will put a man’s mind, somewhat, at ease.
So, go him.
“What’s your credit score?”
In a less direct way than straight up asking, “How much do you make?”
this question introduces the topic of money.
Which, while important, can always be a slippery slope in any stage of the relationship.
At the beginning, it could lead to differences in standards.
And further along, it could surface concerns about affording your future together.
But instead of being direct and aggressive about it, she suggests tweaking the focus.
How do you manage to travel so much?'
She suggests something like “How can I contribute to our shared financial goals?”
as a good and fair place to start.
“What’s your ex like?”
This is a risky one to be asking.
However, jealously can easily be triggered by discussing this topic.
Relationship expertSamantha Danielssuggests avoiding tension by asking about specific past events in his life.
“Where do you see us in five years?”
This isn’t really a question you’d ask someone in a new relationship, because…intense.
“When can I meet your parents?”
“This is an important question in any relationship,” explainsSamantha Daniels.
“Yet it is also one that he might put off answering for a variety of reasons.”
Daniels explains the key to approaching this question is to first discover more about his family dynamics and relationships.
But if he has a great relationship with them, you should feel comfortable enough to ask.
“Bring up having him meet your family first,” says Daniels.
“What do you want to do/eat tonight?”
This question seems both simple and logical right?
But we’ve all seen how quickly it can blow up and create unnecessary tension.
“Partners can be critical, bossy and aggressive unconsciously,” explainsDr.
Anjhula Mya Singh Bais.
And with the clash of style and opinions, he doesn’t want to be shot down.
So what’s the solution?
Dr. Bais recommends planning to take turns and sticking with it.
For instance, one week one partner decides the meals and activities and the next week, the other.
This takes the pressure off everyone and creates a healthy balance.
“Do you want to have kids?”
At a certain point in a relationship, this is an inevitable question that needs to be asked.
Just to double-check, once again, you both are on the same page.
However, it can be a scary one.
question and ‘How serious are you?'"
explains relationship expertApril Masini.
She suggests you ease into it, take a walk around a park.
“Does he have nieces or nephews?
What was the best and hardest part of his childhood?”
“All this will give clues to the answer you seek.”
“Do you think she’s pretty?”
This punch in of question is no one-size-fits-all problem or solution.
While the response may make one woman jealous, it may have no effect on another.
Anjhula Mya Singh Bais.
“[The response] shouldn’t shake the foundations of an already secure relationship.”
“Do you think we have enough sex?”
Anjhula Mya Singh Bais.
“To therefore challenge a man on his sexual prowess would more than likely induce fear.”
And that could create, even if only for a moment, a fear.
So instead, Dr. Bais recommends starting off with a sort of reassurance when broaching such a vulnerable topic.
Another approach is asking them about any fantasies.
Just know the basics
Before asking any of the above,Dr.
Also, pick your battles carefully.
“Do not take things personally is my number one mantra,” she explains.
“If you’ve got the option to actually let it go, let it go.”
And most importantly, have compassion and understanding for the person you chose as your partner.
“People can pick up this and subconsciously they respond in kind.”
