The loss of a child seemingly goes against everything nature intended.
People often compare grief.
But grief is grief.
Sometimes a little insight can make all the difference.
So here are ways you’ve got the option to help support someone who has lost their baby.
One day everything was fine, and the next it wasn’t.
Clark said one of the hardest things to deal with was the way her friendships changed.
She is rougher, wiser, less judgemental, kinder and more compassionate.
Losing a baby will forever change her.
Don’t judge a mother or a father in their grief.
But listen to her, and be aware of what normal grief looks like.
Just don’t give a shot to tell her how to feel.
Acknowledge that friendships won’t always survive
Clark said some friendships can’t survive the loss.
Amy Martin, an emergency room physician, lost her daughter Savannah at 3 days old.
But since it was three days after birth, Martin’s milk came in on the way home.
Breast milk and postpartum depression are often salt in the wound for mothers who lose their babies.
Some parents find that donation gives their babies lives more of a legacy.
Even the most spiritual person is human.
If other people get to have their children on earthandin Heaven, why shouldn’t they?
Clark said she has one friend who asks and actually really wants to know how she’s doing.
She’ll listen to rants and raves and tears with no judgement only concern.
Those phrases completely negate the life of the baby.
Don’t equate the baby to a pair of tennis shoes that can be replaced.
That doesn’t help them feel any better.
Recognize the life that these parents lost.
If someone’s grandmother died you wouldn’t say, well at least you have some grandparents left.
Take a moment to realize the baby was a person.
They don’t really know what they need.
If you want to do something, then help however you’d like.
Grieving is just one of those things they have to do on their own.
Being accepting, patient and non-judgemental of their grief is the greatest help of all, Clark said.
Talk about him as a person, just like you would if he had been a 15-year-old child.
That baby was someone’s son or daughter.
Don’t put a time limit on her grief
Time does not heal all wounds.
Just like a major, traumatic surgery, this wound will always need attention.
Sometimes the scab gets peeled back and the pain is just as raw as the day it happened.
It’s not something someone just gets over.
She said it’s like a pebble in your pocket.
At first it might feel like a boulder, but eventually you learn how to carry the weight.
It’s honoring to the baby’s life to think that their presence will always be remembered.
But Bahar said they are very much a part of this as well.
They feel the loss deeply, and they often don’t know what to do with that grief.
They are trying to hold up their partner, but they’ll need support as well.
Seeing her reaction allowed them to grasp the magnitude of her love for them.
But she still had to find the time to be involved in her living children’s lives.
She attended events when she could, she read with them, and she laid down with them.
She didn’t hide her feelings, but she had to find a balance in what they could handle.
She said parents will have to accept that they will have thoughts about their other children dying.
You aren’t crazy because you have lived this reality.
Just do periodic check-ins, and accept that you might be more protective of them for a while.
Children aren’t your counselors, but they can be a source of comfort.
Allow your spouse to step in and parent when it’s possible for you to’t.
But don’t forget his or her grief as well.
One call came from a friend who burst into hysterics when Martin told her the baby wouldn’t survive.
But don’t always expect a grieving parent to recognize those sentiments right away.
Yours has to come secondary.
But remember not to make it about you or your loss.
This is about their pain.
“I thought we were more fortunate because we had a few days,” she said.
But Martin said not knowing was the easy part.
She has nothing but happy memories of her pregnancy and birth experience.
Clark also has photos of Eva, but she wasn’t born alive.
In the postpartum unit she often had to keep explaining her daughter’s prognosis to the nurses on staff.
One nurse told her to “just have hope,” which was a knife to the gut.
Of course a mother hopes her child will be okay, but Martin’s daughter couldn’t survive.
The nurse basically made her feel like she was giving up on her child.
One of the other things she remembers was the pediatric neurologist who broke the news of Savannah’s condition.
She’s not a monster."
Martin said she considered herself agnostic up until the loss of her child.
He just gave her a higher power to lean on and pull her through her loss.
She realized then that Savannah couldn’t just be gone.
She was okay, and she wasn’t hurting anymore.
Martin said when Savannah was born, they were in a rental house.
Since Savannah never left the hospital, Martin felt like she really didn’t have a home.
“Her resting place is the most beautiful, romantic, serene place on earth,” Martin said.
And we take family and friends there to celebrate her life.
It’s a joyful place, which brings her some peace.
It has cut some of the sadness and grief that comes with losing a baby.
For Clark the cemetery was the right choice.
She finds it beautiful and peaceful, and she’s even friends with the cemetery director.
But the peace comes and goes.
Things weren’t okay.
“I had a very distinct moment when I chose to ‘pull myself together’” she said.
She decided to fake it ‘til she could make it for her living children.
“I had to live for them.”
Professional counseling is great, but they can also reach out to their spiritual leaders and friends.
Parents need a safe space where they can explore their feelings and talk openly about their experiences.
However she said friends should let the parents guide the conversation.
Don’t force them to talk before they are ready, and don’t tell them how to feel.
But making the choice not to think about her daughter also brings feelings of guilt.
How can you “move on” with your life when so much has been lost?
I can now feel more comfortable around you."
Bahar suggests mindful meditation.
Losing a baby can cut to the core of a person’s existence.
Over time it will dull.
But that baby mattered to someone, and his or her life should be celebrated and acknowledged.
