Your friend is going through a breakup and is taking things pretty hard.
You want to be encouraging because you’re a good person but you keep saying the wrong things.
The problem with that, of course, is that they really do need a shoulder to cry on.
If you pull away from them, they might feel completely alone in their misery.
With my counseling clients and social science students, I encourage empathy and thoughtfulness when providing much-needed support.
Here are some suggestions for things to avoid saying to a friend during their breakup.
so it might be tempting to commiserate by saying “I know how you feel.”
Everyone is unique and they might feel like you’re minimizing their experience by comparing it to your own.
Say this instead: “You seem to be really hurting.
Tell me what you’re feeling.”
Then, listen without jumping in with your own stories.
This is all about your friend not you.
but the only thing this will accomplish is hurting your friend’s feelings.
Unless they seem to be heading down a particularly unhealthy path, things will improve soon enough.
There is nothing wrong with reaching out for help when we are struggling.
In this moment, however, they are grieving over the loss of one particular person.
Every person is unique and their connection to their ex is too.
Give them time and, really, you should let them broach the subject first.
Say this instead: “I know you are feeling alone and sad right now.
Remember that you are amazing and have so much to offer.”
Validate their feelings and keep the focus on them as a person rather than on them finding someone new.
“I never liked them anyway”
This one really varies widely from person to person.
Usually, though, this is probably not a good idea.
Even though a breakup is happening, your friend probably still has strong feelings for their ex.
Talk about rubbing salt in someone’s wounds!
It is not up to us to decide how quickly someone forms a bond.
We can’t dictate when deep feelings develop.
Pro tip: Remember that this kind of statement implies judgment.
You never want to make your friend feel foolish or silly for feeling pain.
Instead, focus on being supportive and loving.
It’s also possible, though, that it won’t.
Say this instead: “Don’t worry about what could happen in the future.
Let’s just take things one day at a time.”
“Stay strong”
There are times when we have to dig deep and grit our teeth.
The opposite is true of a breakup.
Burying our emotions will not help anything.
Say this instead: “I am here to listen when you need it.
Don’t bottle anything up.”
Don’t be the person who confirms this nightmare for your friend.
You might be angry or disappointed but they will be crushed and heartbroken.
Spare their feelings for now, if you’re free to.
This is pretty terrible advice.
That way, they won’t bring any old baggage into their fresh start.
Say this instead: “Heal at your own pace.
You will know when you are ready to start dating again.”
Respect their emotions while trying to be a source of positivity and support.
Go for walks together, plan a movie night (no romantic comedies!
), or try something completely new.
