When a couple is trying to conceive, they are often very frustrated and stressed.
What shouldn’t you say to a friend who is trying to conceive?
I went to the experts to find out.
Are you pregnant yet?
Your friend really wants to get pregnant.
That’s likely why she told you that she’s trying.
But asking her about it will just add to her stress.
If she is pregnant, she may not be ready to tell anyone.
You don’t know what someone may be going through."
How long have you been trying?
Avoid asking probing questions about how long a woman has been trying to conceive.
Reminding her of that isn’t kind or compassionate.
Every month feels like forever."
Assuming that adoption is an equally good option is uncaring.
Also, adoption isn’t easy.
Many couples may not be able to adopt, even if they want to.
Try not to assume that all options are available to everyone."
In fact, most cases of infertility have a clear physical reason.
Adoption doesn’t clear blocked fallopian tubes, or cure endometriosis, or make abnormal testes produce sperm."
Hershenson put it this way: “Telling someone not to worry is disrespectful because they are worried!
Instead tell them you are available for support.”
She is likely not sharing much of her ambiguous frustration, heartache and confusion."
But you look so young!
While fertility does decline when you age, couples can struggle to conceive at any age.
You could also discourage them from getting the fertility evaluation they need.
Dr. Chang told me, “Women vary tremendously in their ovarian reserve and fertility obstacles.
Simply being young is no guarantee for future success.
Women and men in their 20s and 30s can struggle with infertility, for a variety of reasons.”
No matter how young or old your friend is, she needs your support, not your judgment.
Don’t underestimate the strong feelings your friend is experiencing.
And after all, whatisthe definition of a good parent?
Whose fault is it?
Dr. Mark told me, “Sometimes there’s a reason for infertility and sometimes, there’s not.
About 20 percent of the time, we find no reason for it.”
Also, placing blame is unfair, as infertility is not a choice.
Hershenson suggested you focus on the positives, instead.
She told me, “Telling them about the negatives of pregnancy is hurtful.
Someone trying to conceive only dreams of experiencing pregnancy.
Instead, share about the positive aspects of pregnancy.”
Have you tried…?
You may want to help your friend by commenting on her lifestyle or giving her advice.
However, what she really needs is someone to be there for her unconditionally.
Haskins suggested, “Don’t criticize the way she is living her life or her timing.
Don’t blame her lifestyle or health.
These make her feel judged.
She added, “Don’t offer unsolicited advice.
Don’t ask probing questions….
Sometimes advice seems like blaming, that she can do something differently.
She added, “If it were that easy, your friend would already be pregnant.
They have probably been trying everything possible, long before they let you in on their struggle.”
How to be supportive instead
Now you know what youshouldn’tsay to your friend.
You’re probably wondering what youshouldsay and do to be supportive.
Here are some of the best recommendations.
Don’t tiptoe around those holidays, but let your friend know you are rooting for them.”
She added, “Offer to accompany or drive them to doctor’s visits and procedures.
This will go a long way to letting them know they are loved and supported.”
A lot of times people want to talk about it but don’t know how.”
